My world crumbled. And then I rebuilt it better.
You never know the day your world is going to start crumbling. You wake up, just like any other day, and start going about your business.
And then a moment happens. Maybe it’s a phone call, or a knock on the door or a news alert or the sound of brakes or a horn before the crash.
For me it all started with a phone call from my daycare one Tuesday morning. “There’s a problem with Connor. He’s not breathing.”
Four hours later I would be holding my lifeless 4-month-old son in my arms, trying to comprehend that it would be the last time. Trying to understand how a perfectly healthy little baby could die from something mysterious called Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
While I realized in that moment that my life would forever be changed, I didn’t realize how much:
- One year later my second son would be born who would later be diagnosed with Intellectual and Development Disabilities.
- Over the next seven years I would go on to have my two daughters after two devastating miscarriages. At the same time my marriage was imploding.
- Two years later I would end my marriage which had become toxic and left me a shell of my former self.
- One year after that I would be forced to declare bankruptcy due to the insurmountable debt we had run up in our marriage that he walked away from.
And then, after meeting and marrying my incredible second husband, I would be faced with his devastating diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis and be thrust into the role of caregiver and sole provider.
It felt as if I was up against the ropes and the Universe just kept pummeling me. I didn’t have time to grieve or heal because I was too busy simply trying to survive and remain standing for my kids and my husband. They needed me so I was on auto-pilot.
At some point, however, I realized I could no longer deny my pain. It was eating away at me physically, mentally, and spiritually. I had to allow myself to crumble and then take some time to understand who I wanted to be as I rebuilt myself. I had to unravel years of grief, pain, betrayal, shame, and imposter syndrome.
I needed to learn how to be at peace, to be courageous enough to be authentic as well as vulnerable enough to ask for support. That’s when I started doing everything I could to heal. I started following personal development gurus such as Wayne Dyer, Abraham Hicks and Eckard Tolle. I literally devoured their books and podcasts and would post quotes from them all over my house. I began a daily practice of meditating and journaling. Journaling was perhaps the most important thing I did. It allowed me to release all the negative and limiting beliefs I had developed and express the grief I had over the death of my baby and the fear of my future.
I hired a life coach who helped me get past my limiting beliefs and recognize that I am a strong, confident, and capable woman who didn’t need to be “taken care of.” That was a big story I used to tell myself. I stopped comparing myself to other women and focused on my triumphs from advocating for my son and caring for my husband to growing my business and no longer being fearful about money.
I became more self-confident and OK with the fact that not everyone will like me as the new me. Drugs and alcohol weren’t my addictions – it was attaching myself to people who kept me down and weren’t supportive. I learned how to create boundaries to eliminate these toxic relationships. Actually, it took the Universe interceding and doing the work for me in ending a few of them.
I’m able to look back now and see how far I’ve come from the insecure, impressionable, naïve, and ultimately sad young woman I was. I want to hold her and give her the reassurances and comfort she never had during those crazy and scary times.
I’m still a work in progress especially when it comes to ending my people pleasing tendencies and imposter syndrome pops up every now and again. But through the work I’ve done on myself – retreats, immersing myself in personal development teachings, coaches and most importantly journaling, I’ve become a stronger, more confident woman. My life is what I always dreamed it could be, peaceful, happy, and abundant.
I’m committed to helping other women get past fear and self-doubt and create the life of their dreams. You can learn more about my coaching services here.
You can also get my free guide – 5 Steps to Create a Chill Life by clicking here.