Your fears of life after divorce are all in your head. Here’s how to let them go.

Remember when you were a kid, and you were sure there was a monster under your bed or in your closet?

You lived in fear until your mom or dad came in and turned on the lights to show you nothing was there.

As adults those monsters still exist in our head, but it’s no longer a hairy, giant being but fear of failure or not being loved or financial ruin or illness.  And while these monsters might have an element of reality to them unlike the ones from your childhood, the solution to ending them is the same – you need to shine a light on them.

We sit at lunch with our friends and don’t admit we think we’re bad moms or we’re having serious financial problems or even that there’s abuse in our marriage.

The energy of these “omissions” is preventing us from living authentically and clearing away the issues that are keeping us trapped.

I’ve had my share of fears that I’ve kept hidden in my brain.  My divorce from my first husband was chaotic and traumatic.  It was so bad that I developed adult chicken pox. My body was literally expressing what I wasn’t verbalizing. I never talked about how scared and horrible I felt during this time. I was trying my best to keep it together for my kids, I was running my business and needed to be present for clients and I didn’t want to worry my parents.  But the fears would eat away at me at night:

How was I going to rebuild my life? 

Were my kids going to be OK? 

Was I ever going to find someone who loved me? 

After the divorce I was left financially devastated. We had tremendous debt and I was left responsible for most of it (that story is for another post.) I had no idea how I was going to fix this situation and the fears that played out in my head kept me awake most nights.  Once again, this was a situation I didn’t want to admit to anyone.  I live in a very affluent community where people seem to have an abundance of wealth.  No one talks about having financial problems.  They have expensive cars and homes, take yearly vacations, and spend without thinking.  I felt like a failure and most importantly I was worried about how I was going to dig myself out of the financial hole I was in.

I remember the spiraling fear that kept building in my head.  One thought would lead to another scary thought and then it would become a giant snowball gaining speed. The fear literally sounded like an avalanche coming down on me.

Throughout this time, I kept praying for guidance and peace. I wish I could tell you the moment that I finally decided to give up the pretense of being OK and suffering in silence, but I can’t. I just literally woke up one day and said “F%&k it, I’m not hiding it anymore.”  I decided to share everything I was feeling – all my fears and financial problems.

And that day I took back control of my life.

My fears and problems didn’t instantly disappear but there was almost immediately a lightness that came over me.  I didn’t realize how burdened down I felt keeping everything inside and hiding what was happening.

What was even more remarkable is that once I started sharing my fears and problems, friends started admitting they were having the same issues.  It took me opening up to give other women permission to do the same.  I no longer felt isolation or shame.

That was the energetic shift I needed to shine the light on the monsters in my head and take away their power.  Once that happens you can find the solutions.

Here are the first steps if you’re struggling with fears:

  • Start small -first write it down in a journal. Get out on paper your deepest fear or most troubling situation. Sit with that and re-read it.
  • Next share it with a close friend or with a coach.  Get past the fear of saying it the first time.
  • Start each day with this affirmation or one like it:

“My fear no longer controls me. I am creating a life of happiness and peace.

Fear lives in the future and you have no way of knowing whether your greatest concerns will ever materialize. Start shining a light and you’ll see the monsters aren’t real.

If you want some more tips on getting past fear you can grab my free guide 5 Steps to Release Fear and Live Boldly.