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You have the right to be a b&*ch

Let’s face it – most women are pleasers. We grew up playing with baby dolls and being “mommy.”  We are taught to be caregivers for everyone. Our parents wanted us to “dress appropriately” and “act like a lady.”  In school our grades reflected whether we got along well with others and followed instructions.

In short, the message we received was that our job was to be kind, take care of others and don’t make waves.

That’s still the message women receive and we are harshly labeled by the media and society when we don’t conform. At work if we advocate strongly for our idea we’re a bitch. If we get into a debate the adjective used to describe our interaction is “shrill.”  And of course, if we really go nuts then we must be on our period.

The adjectives used for men are completely different – confident, tough, a good negotiator.  And hormones are never a factor.

Several years ago a new phrase became popular – “disruptor.” Companies and products that are redefining a category or shaking up their industry with new ideas are disruptors.  The people who are disruptors are considered visionaries.

Women in midlife need to be disruptors as well.  We should be envisioning our future and living life on our terms as joyfully as possible. Doing so requires us to be laser-focused on what we do and don’t want in our lives and manifesting it, regardless of what the people around us think.  Here’s the thing, most people in our lives don’t want us to change. It either will inconvenience them or threaten their view of how life should be lived. And people looooovvveeee to tell us what we should be doing!

We need to change our mindset of what is acceptable behavior for us and the people in our tribe. By advocating for what you want and creating standards for what you will not allow you’re not a bitch your self-empowered. This is true in your professional and personal life.  It’s time to stop excusing rude, insensitive comments couched as advice and concern that leave you feeling badly about yourself.  Whether it’s your sister, friend or business colleague they need to hear from you in very confident language that you will no longer engage in conversations that you consider to be toxic or not supportive.

Recently on my You Tube Channel I did a video on establishing boundaries with family, friends and business colleagues who aren’t supportive.  We talked about having the right to say “No!” to relationships, situations and obligations and how to do it.

How often do you find yourself doing something because you think that’s what you “should” be doing? We don’t want to join the committee or go to the family party but we do it because at some point we were programmed to believe that’s what we’re supposed to do.

Stop and ask yourself the question – how would my life be positively or negatively impacted if I said “No” to these things?  Chances are, if you shut down the voice inside your head that tells you that you must do them, you’d not only feel happier but you’d have time to spend with a friend or work on your passion project or exercise or simply relax on the couch.  

There are positive outcomes from “No”

When you’re a mom and working long hours, it’s natural to want to give your kids as much of your time as you can.  There’s not a working mom alive who hasn’t heard the words “You never have time for me!”  Saying “no” to spending an afternoon with your son or daughter and instead exercising, reading a book or visiting a friend, seems incredibly selfish to most moms.  But not only is it important for your emotional and physical well-being, you’re also sending the message to your kids that caring for oneself is important.  Additionally, kids need to understand that your job is something you enjoy doing and their requests for you to stop working will also be met with a “no.”

At work, “No” is extremely useful when a co-worker is trying to dump his/her share of a project on you or when your boss consistently asks you to stay late.  There’s a difference between being a team player and being taken advantage of.   The same holds true when you own your own business. Do you have a problem saying “No” to someone who isn’t willing to pay a fair price for your service or an employee who constantly shows up late or asks for time off?   These are just a few reasons your business might not be growing as you would like.

Do you say “No” enough?

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

  • How much time did I spend yesterday doing tasks/favors for other people?
  • How did I feel as I was doing them?
  • When was the last time I said “NO” to something I didn’t want to do?
  • How did that make me feel?

I’ve had my own struggle with boundary-setting and saying “No” lately.  Ever since the pandemic started I’ve been feeding my family of 6  Every. Single. Night. Before this, my daughters had afterschool activities and we rarely all ate together.  On many nights when either my husband, my mom or I were shuttling kids back and forth from activities dinner was “catch as catch can” meaning whatever you could find in the refrigerator or make yourself.

All of a sudden everyone was home and very quickly I found myself stressing as to what I was going to make for dinner.  I couldn’t focus on work past 4 o’clock as the thought of dinner loomed large. To be honest a great deal of this had to do with my mother (who lives with us) envisioning family dinners all together which rarely happened under normal circumstances. My daughters are great at making dinner for themselves and even my son with Intellectual Disabilities can whip up a mean plate of pasta and meatballs for himself.  I found myself very quickly becoming cranky and resentful.  If I wanted to go for a walk or exercise or have a social-distance cocktail with my friend I had to time it so I could still make dinner.

I discovered that I needed to say “No” to cooking dinner and eating together every night.  What I now do is state at the beginning of each day whether tonight would be everyone for themselves or dinner all together. By doing this I found I enjoyed mealtime much more and a ton of stress was lifted.

Please hear this:

It’s not your job to make anyone happy but yourself.

Think of something you consistently do that you would like to say “NO” to.  Practice stating to the person that you no longer will do that task.  When speaking to the person, even if it’s your child, be assertive and don’t apologize.

What would you rather be doing with that time you just saved? I’d love to hear from you!

 

Are you stressed by all of the demands on your time from family and work? Get my free guide 5 Steps to Create a Chill Life.

If you would like to join a group of supportive women in midlife who are ready to get past fear and self-doubt and live life joyfully and abundantly, head over to Midlife Mavericks: Fabulous, Fierce, Females!

Middle Aged is the Middle Not the End…Time For Your Next Chapter!

I never imagined I would be at a point that people considered me “middle-aged.”  When I was in my 20’s and 30’s that seemed so… well….. OLD! But as the years ticked by it didn’t even occur to me that I was getting to that point.  I just kept living my life as I always did.  When I became a mom it began to feel as if life was moving forward at light speed and I got so wrapped up in parenting and being an entrepreneur I just went on automatic pilot to keep all the balls in the air. I didn’t have the time to self-reflect on who I was.

But I started to realize that midlife had arrived when police officers started looking like kids and some friends were a decade younger than me.  I still enjoyed the same things – going out dancing, dinners with friends and hiking but there was a different feel to it.  I enjoyed having dinner with friends at home more often than a noisy restaurant.  Hiking wasn’t just about exercise but an opportunity to have deep, meaningful conversations with my girlfriend. And dancing was still fun but not until 2AM.

My younger self would have said – “Yup – you’re officially old.” And, make no mistake, the media would probably agree.  After all, after fifty-four year’s old they stop tracking our opinions, viewing habits and spending behavior.  Not only are we old but we’re invisible.  But here’s the reality.  We account for more than 40% of spending in the US economy each year and 50% of discretionary spending. We spend more than our younger sisters on wine, coffee and vacations.  So why are we ignored? Because the majority of people working at ad agencies and marketing firms are not middle-aged.  They have no clue what we’re about!

First, let’s think about the term Midlife – it doesn’t mean end – it means MIDDLE!  With the average life-expectancy rising every year and women already outliving men by almost 30% we’ve got a lot of life ahead of us.

So the question becomes whether you’re willing to grab life by the short-hairs and start creating the next chapter.  Make no mistake, it takes courage.  We’ve had half of our lives to create routines and get into ruts which, while not necessarily joyful are comfortable.  New chapters shake things up and push us into the unknown.  That’s scary stuff.  It’s easier to stay where we are and remain in the invisible role the media and others have chosen for us.

But is that good enough for you? What about the unrealized dreams you might have put aside when you got married and had kids?  What about the passion that you decided not to pursue because everyone told you to take the “safe route” of a different career?

Midlife can be an exciting time of moves. Physically and spiritually moving. My husband and I started talking about where we wanted to live when the kids were out of the house. That’s a big deal – leaving comfortable memories and creating new ones. Spiritually moving can be just as scary.  It means gathering the courage to say “no” to friends and family who might want to see you stay where you are in your life.  To be “responsible” and “sensible.” But honestly, have you ever read about a woman in her 70’s or 80’s and admired her because she was responsible or sensible?  Hell no! We read about kick-ass women who are running marathons or sky diving or starting new businesses and think “that’s what I want to do when I’m her age.”

Now’s the time to have fun.  You get to choose what you want to do and who you want to be.  You get to shed the titles that you’ve given yourself and start thinking of how you want to define yourself.  What is your mid-life plan?  Share in the comments below.

 

Are you stressed by all of the demands on your time from family and work? Get my free guide 5 Steps to Create a Chill Life.

If you would like to join a group of supportive women in midlife who are ready to get past fear and self-doubt and live life joyfully and abundantly, head over to Midlife Mavericks: Fabulous, Fierce, Females!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why expectations can ruin your marriage

Recently I was talking to one of my single girlfriends who was telling me what she wanted in a partner.  She wanted someone to go on romantic trips with to exotic vacations.  Someone to go hiking with and do outdoor activities.

I asked her “but what if you find this guy and a year later he’s in an accident and becomes a paraplegic?  Then what?”

I get it, most people don’t think like this but it’s what happened to me.  I had my list too when I was newly single and thinking about meeting someone.  That’s what online dating profiles are all about right?  We need to list out our criteria for a partner and the best description of ourselves.  Often when we’re scrolling through Tinder it’s about finding someone who matches all our interests, whether that’s someone who loves outdoor adventures or quiet evenings at home. 

When my current husband and I met on Match our profiles reflected the people we were at that time, but little did we know how vastly different we would be in just a few short years.  Then, my husband was a former pro-golfer who loved outdoor activities.  That appealed to me.  I wanted someone who was calm and kind and would be a partner to me on spontaneous adventures.  He fit the bill in every way. 

Until life threw us a curve ball in the form of Primary Progressive MS.  Within a very short time this man who had been the high school football quarterback, star hockey player and pro-golfer lost the ability to walk.  He suspected what was happening shortly before our wedding.  For many years he had been misdiagnosed with Lyme but was quickly realizing it was something else.  Having grown up with a friend’s dad who had MS I had a vision of what could be in store for our future.  My vision for a partner to have outdoor adventures with and travel was evaporating and was being replaced with the idea that I would be tied down caring for a man who might need help with the basic activities of daily living.

Friends questioned if I really wanted to take this on.  Afterall I was already caring for my son with intellectual disabilities who would need my support for the rest of his life.  And it certainly wasn’t what I had planned.  I can honestly say however that there wasn’t a moment that I questioned my decision to marry him.  As I said to my friends, if the positions would have been reversed and I was the one who was ill I wouldn’t imagine him leaving me (and I know that’s true.) 

I will admit, however to an overwhelming sadness that the future I had envisioned was no longer in the cards. I mourned the adventure trips we wouldn’t take and a partner to spend weekend afternoons on hikes or bike trips.  I know that the divorce rate is high for many people with chronic illnesses – the caregiver just can’t handle the responsibility and the loss of a future that they had planned.

That’s when I realized that no one person – even a life partner – can fulfill all your needs.  There are times you need girlfriends and there are times you simply need yourself.  At first, I thought about meeting other people with disabled spouses and going places or doing things.  But then it occurred to me, I already have people in my life to do these things with.  It was at that moment that I realized that I have different sets of friends for various parts of my life.  I have my “cheer mom friends” who I travel with and spend a great majority of the winter months with on the road for my daughters’ All-Star cheer competitions.  There are my  “deep thought” friends who I have philosophical and spiritual conversations with.  And there are my spur-of-the-moment outdoor friends who I can go paddle boarding and hiking with.  There are also those friends who get to see me the raw, scared me – the ones who just listen to me when I worry about the future and will share a glass of wine.

Do I still have moments of sadness? Sure. Recently we were at a friend’s wedding and everyone was paired off on the dance floor. It’s the slow dances that are tough.  I’d love to be sharing an intimate moment like that with my husband.  But we’re learning there are “fix its” as we call them.  I can sit on his lap and simply enjoy the music.  And when I want to go crazy on the dance floor I’m perfectly content dancing by myself and having him watch.

The point is don’t give up on the life partner if he/she doesn’t meet all the criteria you set forth.  No one person can do that and you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.  Find your circles.  Be OK with dancing by yourself.

 

Are you stressed by all of the demands on your time from family and work? Get my free guide 5 Steps to Create a Chill Life.

If you would like to join a group of supportive women in midlife who are ready to get past fear and self-doubt and live life joyfully and abundantly, head over to Midlife Mavericks: Fabulous, Fierce, Females!

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Life after 50, How I’m becoming a “new me.”

This summer was the season of freedom for my 16-year-old daughter.  Remember that first summer when you had your driver’s license and some spending money in your pocket, and you could head out to the beach whenever you wanted to?  It was exhilarating. With her freedom comes mine.  I’ve got less driving around to summer activities and sleepovers. I’m starting to feel the reigns of obligations slip off me and with that I can feel myself ready to start discovering me.  Not the person I was pre-kids – she’s long gone. This new me has a lot more wisdom and confidence. Here are a few things the new me and my life after 50 is excited to do: The new me is anxious to try new things. I used to be intimidated to try a new class at the gym for fear I’d look like an idiot because I couldn’t keep up. Not anymore.  Now I bravely stand at the front of the class and laugh when I screw up but even more importantly I’m proud that I did it and congratulate myself for the moves I could do. The new me is ready to have adventures.  I saw a show the other day about these two people touring Thailand and visiting these incredible waterfalls. When you have kids it’s darn near impossible to have trips like that. Disney is the ultimate adventure and while that was fun, I’m ready for the real world not a place that recreates adventures. The new me is ready for the next big leap in my career.  For years now I’ve made my living blogging and doing TV segments about safety and wellness.  Don’t get me wrong – I love it and will continue to do that. The way my career started was because of the death of my first son.  It drove me to want to help save other kids’ lives. As I’ve gotten older new things drive me.  Listening to women who are scared to leave a relationship or start a new career or struggle with being a caregiver motivate me. I love speaking to these women and offering them support and guidance. I envision a world of confident and happy women and, through retreats and speaking engagements, I want to create that.

The new me is ready to have a few deep friendships.  When we’re in our 30’s and 40’s we’re building a career and/or family that consumes our time. Our friendships tend to be created around the interests of our kids. Some high school and college friendships remain but get-togethers are few and far between and finding current commonalities is tough. For years my girls have been involved in All-Star cheerleading.  For those of you not familiar with this sport, it’s year-round and requires a lot of travel.  When you’re a “cheer mom” that other moms become your friends. But one day your cheer life ends and naturally these friendships fade. But a few transcend the mutual bond of cheer (or whatever activity your child is involved with) and you connect over the big issues. Now I have time for a few friendships that are based on mutual respect, shared beliefs and willingness to talk about the real stuff.  You know the real stuff – our hopes and dreams but also the fears that keep us up at night.

The new me understands that my health is something I can’t take for granted.  When I was in my 20’s and 30’s I worked out to have a hard body and look great.  Now I work out to prevent osteoporosis and keep my heart in good shape.  I used to choose my food based solely on what tasted good.  Now I select food that tastes good and will provide me the nutrients I need to cut cholesterol and provide the right vitamins.  When the kids were younger, I would always  get them to their check-ups but mine would be missed because there wasn’t time.  Now I realize that making the time for health screenings and exercise is what will allow me to live life to the fullest.

As I’m closing in on another birthday I’m loving who I’m becoming and can’t wait for the next chapter. What’s in your next chapter?  Share below as writing it down makes it more real.

 

Are you stressed by all of the demands on your time from family and work? Get my free guide 5 Steps to Create a Chill Life.

If you would like to join a group of supportive women in midlife who are ready to get past fear and self-doubt and live life joyfully and abundantly, head over to Midlife Mavericks: Fabulous, Fierce, Females!

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How Re-Inventing Yourself Will Make You Happy

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

At what age do we stop asking ourselves this question?  It sounds as if once we hit a certain age that’s it – we’re done.

As women in the second half of life we often feel that it’s too late to shake up life. When do we begin placing restrictions and limitations on recreating ourselves?  What’s “too late” and why?

Why?  Because we’re scared!  We’re afraid to course correct or try something new.

I was talking to a friend the other day and she was worried about making a career change because, she worried, “what if I fail?” It led to a few glasses of wine and a long conversation about the giant “what if” question.

Safety = Stagnation

As a motivational speaker and blogger I frequently talk about how fear constrains us from moving forward.   People assume that staying in place, either in a dead-end job or marriage is the safe thing to do. Financially this could be the case but it’s often at the cost of your spirit.  Please understand that I’m not saying to simply quit your job or your marriage without first planning and researching.  What I am saying is don’t allow fear to keep you trapped in a situation that is slowly destroying you.

I tackle the “what if” question in my coaching practice a lot.  Unravelling the fear allows it to become manageable.  Quite simply, the answer to the “what if” question is “then what.” When you realize that there are plenty of options if the “what if” occurs, it’s easier to move forward.

There are numerous statistics on how many businesses fail in the first year.  Often, it’s because people are afraid to course correct.  They don’t see an answer to the “what if” question. Imagine the entrepreneur who was committed to only renting VCR tapes because he was fearful of changing up his business model. (Probably half the people reading this won’t even know what I’m talking about.)  Successful entrepreneurs understand that change is necessary. They get an idea in their head and they run with it.  Yes, they do their due diligence to see if it’s viable but it’s the curiosity and the desire to stretch that compels them.

Vera Wang started out as a professional skater but never make it onto the US Olympic team.  She then veered into fashion.  Marc Cuban’s first endeavor was powdered milk.  Walt Disney began as a writer for a local newspaper and was fired for not having enough imagination.

Yes, change is scary but it also is an opportunity. People often ask me how I’ve continued to re-invent my brand and personally rebuild after challenges.  They comment that they’d never be able to do it.  My reply always is “sometimes you don’t have a choice.”  Sometimes it takes tragedy to motivate you.  I started out in television production. Then my son died and my second son was diagnosed with intellectual disabilities.  That prompted me to find a way to make a difference and help save babies lives.  I found myself passionate about helping families which led me to start my blog and public speaking.

I’ve often said I’ll never retire – not because I have to work (although that’s certainly a possibility) but because I never want to stop stretching and exploring.  I want to continue to write the next chapter of my life and continue to answer the question “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

 

The gift you must give yourself this holiday – acceptance

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day who’s going through a divorce.  She’s filled with anger towards her ex.  Whether it’s justified or not, it’s how she feels.  But what I pointed out to her is that this anger that’s raging inside of her is not changing or affecting him in any way.  I mean, it’s not like she made some sort of voodoo doll and was able to cause him some real physical pain (although I’m sure she’d like to.)  The only thing that her anger is accomplishing is making her stress level go up, most likely causing health issues and definitely preventing her from moving on with her life and being happy.

As I’ve begun my journey as a motivational speaker and blogger, I’m coming in contact with many people who are struggling with anger at their significant other, friends, kids, co-workers and neighbors.  And yes, they’re even angry at themselves for choices they’ve made that they deeply regret.  Their thoughts are consumed with how they’ve been wronged and how life is unfair.

Whether it’s trying to understand why a good friend has chosen to walk out of your life, why an ex-spouse continues to try and hurt you or why a family member has said hurtful things, you’ll probably never learn the reason.    You could also be struggling with feeling like an inadequate provider for your family, a “slacker mom” who never does as much as the other moms or poor body image.  The holidays tend to accentuate these feelings as we think back on previous years when things might have seemed better.

Let’s face it, it’s hard letting go of a grudge and equally hard letting go of feelings of inadequacy.   But the old cliché is true – the only person you’re hurting is yourself.  And so I’m asking you to give yourself the most valuable gift you could ever receive this year – acceptance.

Accept that people are making the choices they’re making and that’s there “thing.”  Stop trying to forgive or even understand.  Allow them to go on their way down their own path.  You can’t control them or change them but you canturn the energy inward and make peace with yourself about the situation.

And next, accept yourself.  The idea of “perfection” is imposed by outside people and doesn’t exist.  You’re strong, beautiful and have the power to create the life you want.

Are you ready to be happy?

A Birthday Message to my 50-Some-Odd Year-Old Self

How the hell did I get to be 50-some-odd years old?! I remember not too long ago where I thought 50 was OLD. And now here I am and….. I don’t feel like how I thought 50-some-odd was supposed to feel.

We’re so hard on ourselves when it comes to aging and, for that matter, a bunch of other stuff.  And it certainly doesn’t help when we have teen-agers pointing out even more deficiencies than we considered ourselves.

Today I’m having a great day – I had a date night with my husband last night, went to a yoga class this morning and had some afternoon delight with said husband (sorry kids but yes, we do indeed have sex!)  But there are other times when I feel exhausted, overwhelmed and emotionally drained from all of the stress and obligations in my life.

And so, while I’m in this good place, I’ve decided to write myself a birthday letter.  I intend to pull it out when I’m 70 and see the advice I gave myself and whether I took it.  I also intend to look at it when I need some reminders about how to be happy and healthy.

Dear Alison,

Another year – time flies.  Hey listen, I know there are times when you don’t think you’ve accomplished enough, don’t look good enough or feel guilty that you haven’t done enough for your kids.  Guess what?  You ARE fabulous not in spite of  being 50 some-odd years-old but because your 50 some-odd years-old.  In case you forget, here are some of the bits of advice you live (or try to live) by:

  • Be passionate about something (or maybe more than one thing.) Advocate for it, fight for it and put your heart and soul into it.
  • Keep dancing whenever you have the chance and hop up on the bar to do it at least once every year.
  • Laugh at people who try to criticize you or bring you down – honestly it will diffuse them immediately.
  • Don’t dwell on friendships that didn’t survive. Take ownership for your part of the demise but then let it go.
  • Exercise your body and mind – A LOT. Learn something new every day.  Don’t be embarrassed to try a new class at the gym (people aren’t really staring at you if you trip.)
  • Consider it a win if you can do something that embarrasses your kids at least once per week.
  • It’s OK to get Botox or Juvederm if you want. If that makes you feel good why not?
  • Make smart healthy food choices but also indulge every now and then. Life is too short not to have a chocolate lava cake.
  • Keep creating your vision boards. You know that you’ve actualized everything you’ve wanted, why stop now?
  • There will be people who don’t like you. It’s OK! Act honorably, respectfully and kind and you’re good.  As long as you can look yourself in the mirror and be proud of who you are there’s no one else that you need to impress.
  • Maintain a stable of good friendships – we always need our girlfriends to lift us up. ????
  • Try something new that’s out of your comfort zone as often as you can. Go to dinner by yourself.  Take a swing-dance class.  Make calls on behalf of a political candidate.
  • Don’t regret the past or fear the future. We can’t change the past and the future will never be as we imagine anyway.
  • Have faith that all your kids will find their way in life. Be OK with the evolving relationship you’ll have with them.
  • Be brave enough to be vulnerable to the people who love you.

Enjoy being 50 some-odd years-old – laugh, love and have wild adventures!

Love, Me

 

 

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Embrace Your Own Independence Day!

LifeisaBeach

Are you living the dream of our forefathers who fought for our freedom?  Maybe freedom meant something very different to them but, for all of us, doesn’t it come down to what it states in the Declaration of Independence – life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness?

My work as a motivational speaker and personal life coach is booming because there are so many people who are not happy with their present circumstances and feel trapped.  They are afraid to declare their own independence!  

In both your personal and professional life, happiness is about having the freedom to live out your dreams.


I learned this professionally many years ago.  I was working for a large corporation and, while I loved my job, I didn’t have the freedom to be with my kids as much as I would have liked nor did I have the opportunity to work with clients the way I wanted to.  I wasn’t living my passion.  After the death of my son to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome and the diagnosis of my second son with Intellectual Disabilities, I realized that life is too short not to live as fulfilled and joyously in the present moment as possible.  What I really wanted to do was to create a business where I could share my experiences, help women and their families and, at the same time, be with my kids.  And that’s exactly what I did.

This is the secret of successful entrepreneurs – creating a business that provides freedom as well as profits.

On the personal side, it took a little longer.  I felt trapped in a marriage and unsure how to get out.  I knew that it would financially devastate me but I also knew that it was not a healthy relationship for any of us.  I had “lost myself” and the happy, self-confident person I had once been.  So I finally took the scary leap and declared my independence.  I work with so many women who are scared and unsure what their future would look like.  Is it easy?  No.  In fact, starting over after a divorce was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do with the exception of coping with the death of my son.  But as I sit here today, with five years of perspective, I realize that not only was I worth it, but my kids were worth it.  Yup – they are happier because the tension and unhappiness are gone. 

Today, my life is filled with an abundance of supportive friends, a new husband and two step children whom I adore and a career that I’m passionate about.  

Are you ready to declare your Independence and start living a joyous life?