These deaths hit hard.

This week feels like another quiet breaking point.

The loss of Rob Reiner and Tony Geary, two icons who shaped our coming-of-age years, made it feel as though another chapter of our lives was closing, not loudly, but unmistakably. A reminder that time moves on, whether we’re ready or not.

When Harry Met Sally has been my favorite movie for as long as I can remember. I watch it at least once a year because it makes me feel good. I can quote every line and yet, every time I watch it, I find something new. A moment that hits differently. A truth that lands deeper. That movie gave me hope in love. And in life.

And then there was Luke and Laura.

How many of us grew up racing home from school to watch General Hospital? The drama lived on the screen back then not in our everyday lives. Life felt simpler. Safer. The chaos had boundaries, and when the episode ended, so did the worry.

But this year has been different.

As we’re now processing the loss of these touchstones from our past, we’re also dealing with the senseless tragedy at Brown University. And for those of us in midlife, especially those of us who are mothers, the first thought wasn’t abstract or distant.

It was immediate.

That could have been my child.

That realization lands in a way that’s hard to describe unless you’re living in this season of life when your heart lives partly outside your body, walking across campuses, city streets, and crowded spaces you can’t protect the way you once did.

And if we’re being honest?

This year has been crap.

It has been heavy and ugly and exhausting, and I think many of us are more than ready to see it end. We are tired of bracing ourselves. Tired of bad news. Tired of wondering what’s next.

But here’s the thing about women, especially women in midlife.

We don’t get to opt out.

Not because we’re not tired — we are.
But because too much depends on us.

We have to keep fighting, for ourselves, and for our daughters. For the world we want them to grow up in. For the values we refuse to let slip away. For hope, even when it feels fragile.

Is this why you’re not happy?

For the longest time, my life was total chaos:

My first born died of SIDS, my second child was diagnosed with Intellectual Disabilities, I went through a long, drawn-out, ugly divorce and was forced to declare bankruptcy.

I really did feel like I had the proverbial black cloud hanging over my head. And I’ll be honest, there were many days over the span of 10 years where I barely had the strength to get out of bed let alone do anything good for myself.

It took a great deal of work on myself – therapy, coaching, journaling, and praying – to turn me around. I also immersed myself in personal-development courses from some of the leading experts like Wayne Dyer and Eckard Tolle.

This why I coach women in midlife.  I remember how I felt in those dark days. As if there would never be anything good in my life, that I’d never be happy.

No matter what your circumstances are, what you’ve endured or are currently going through, there is something I want you to consider.

Do you feel unworthy? 

Sometimes when I would meditate, I would see myself as a little girl – I would literally be talking to her and telling her she was good and kind and deserved happiness.  And then I would start crying because as much as I was saying that to my little girl self, I didn’t truly believe it.  I didn’t think I was worthy of happiness.  Is there a little piece of you that doesn’t think you’re worthy of happiness?

No matter where it came from, if it’s there you need to acknowledge it and start changing the narrative. One of the ways to do this is to start talking to yourself in the mirror every morning. Maybe you don’t like looking at yourself. Maybe you don’t like the person you see.  But force yourself, even if it’s just for a minute, to look at yourself and say “You deserve happiness.”  Do this every day. I don’t care if you feel silly talking to yourself, if you don’t think you deserve happiness no one else will either.

The other thing to do is write yourself a love letter. Write to the little girl you were and explain that she might have hard, sad, traumatic times but she’s still loveable and kind.  She is worthy of happiness. Write about the wonderful qualities she has and the good things she’s done.  End it by stating “You deserve happiness.”

And I’m going to tell you right now – you are worthy of happiness.

Is this something you struggle with? Reach out, I’d love to chat with you about it.

5 ways to motivate yourself every day

My hubby was at a coffee shop the other day when two women approached him and asked if he was my husband. He’s gotten used to this happening because I talk a lot about him in my social media posts and videos.

The women commented that they were amazed how I was constantly so energetic and positive. “Isn’t that hard to live with?” they asked. Both he and I found that pretty funny. But, I will admit, sometimes my high energy is a lot for my family. 😊

I don’t always bound out of bed, but I would say the majority of the time I’m excited about my day ahead.

And yes, there are days when we all have to deal with horrible stuff but you can choose how to start your day. If you have a confident and positive mindset it’s like an emotional booster shot against whatever comes your way.

If you find it hard to get motivated to get up and go in the morning here are some easy ways to slay your day!

Start with three gratitude’s – There’s always something to be grateful for. I don’t care if it’s simply having the ability to get out of bed and walk to the bathroom. Gratitude will put challenges in perspective.

Find your theme song – Music always sets the tone for me. Whether it’s smooth jazz at the end of the day to mellow me out or some pop song in the morning to get me dancing, music completely regulates my emotions. Pick a song with an upbeat tempo and great lyrics. For me it’s Kelly Clarkson’s What Doesn’t Kill You – feel free to make it yours if you like. 😊

Move your body – Get your blood flowing! Nothing beats endorphins for putting you in a great mood. It doesn’t even have to be a long workout – just do some jumping jacks, run in place, or dance to your theme song!

Have a motivation buddy – Thank God for girlfriends! There are times I’ve been so pissed off at my husband or overwhelmed with stuff I just need to have someone give me a little pep talk. This isn’t a bitch session, this is my friend giving me encouragement and me doing it for her when she’s dreading a day. Looking for a motivation buddy? Come join my Facebook Group – Midlife Mavericks – Fabulous, Fierce, Females! This is exactly why I started this group to offer motivation and support.

Create your priority list – Don’t overwhelm yourself but commit to getting s*%t done. I’m a big list maker and nothing feels better or gives me a greater sense of accomplishment than crossing things off.

And if you want some prompts and motivation every morning, head over to Amazon and grab my new book – Daily Inspirations for Midlife Women – A Guide to Peace, Joy, Confidence and Abundance.

Starting your day off jazzed and excited makes life So. Much. Better 😊

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Midlife Women and the Superwoman Complex

Women in midlife were sold a bunch of bullsh*t about being super woman – doing it all and having it all. It’s why so many are on anti-anxiety meds and miserable.

Our younger sisters know better. They don’t want to work like crazy and please everyone else.

One of my mentors is a mindset coach named Denise Duffield Thomas. Two of her books, Chillpreneur and Chill and Prosper talk about how you don’t have to kill yourself to be successful.

In my previous life working at a multi-national PR firm, I witnessed this firsthand – women who were working 12 -14-hour days, going home to their kids and barely having a second to themselves. It was expected that we work those hours.  They gave up their life for a job.

I also think of my aunt who was her mother’s caretaker for decades. Her mom had polio when she was younger and needed a great deal of care. My aunt had a high-pressure job and then would come home and take care of her mom. She never had a romantic relationship – there was never time.

And then I look at so many of my coaching clients. Women who gave up a fulfilling career to stay home with their kids. Being a great mom is wonderful BUT losing yourself, your own dreams, in that role is a slow death. Because at some point the kids are grown and flown and these women look up and realize their entire identity had become wrapped up in being mom. And now they’re left rudderless with no recollection of what they wanted for themselves nor how to create a life of their dreams.

You’ve given of yourself completely:

  • To your partner, supporting his career by leaving yours to raise the kids.
  • Your kids by giving in to every whim and want and sacrificing yourself.
  • Your aging parents who rely on you, not your other siblings, for everything.
  • The needy friend who sucks up your time with her latest crisis.

Do any of these situations sound familiar? Don’t get me wrong, yes, there are absolutely things we need to do but there’s a balance to be found.  Because, if not, one day you’ll look up and realize your entire life has been consumed in these roles. And what is it that you have? More importantly, who are you?

In part we’re to blame.  We’re great at taking care of everyone else but when was the last time you sat down and told everyone YOUR dreams and needs?

Have you requested the support you so freely give?

As women we’ve been raised to be the caregivers, the nurturers. We’ve also been brainwashed by the media to be the powerful woman who can do and have it all.

My generation of women probably remembers a commercial for a perfume, Enjoli. It was a woman in a sexy dress and looks like she’s ready for a night out but she’s carrying a briefcase and apparently just came home from work. She whips on an apron and starts cooking. At the same time, she’s seducing her husband. I still remember the lyrics to the jingle:

“I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never ever ever let you forget you’re a man. Because I’m a woman.”

For some ridiculous reason, this was the sign of success for our generation.  We can do it all, manage it all without any help.

Please hear this – you are not a failure by asking for help, saying no to people and prioritizing yourself!

In fact, that’s how healthy, happy and successful women behave.

Ladies, now is the time to reprogram and live life on your terms!  I’m giving you permission to think of yourself first.  This isn’t selfish, it’s self-care.  And yes, people in your life might not love the new you but I promise they will adjust.

Are you living the life you intended to?  What changes would you like to see for yourself? To learn more about how I can help you, visit my coaching page HERE.

You can also download my FREE GUIDE Five Steps to Release Fear and Live Boldly.

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Why every woman in midlife needs a life coach.

Only in the past twenty years have life coaches become popular. There are different types for whatever goal you’re trying to achieve – relationship coaches, fitness coaches, nutrition coaches, divorce coaches and money mindset coaches to name a few.

I work exclusively with women in midlife who have forgotten or delayed their personal goals to care for their family.  I help them get past their fear and self-doubt to confidently achieve their dreams and live life on their terms. Because we’re born caregivers, we consistently put everyone before ourselves, coming up with excuses as to why we can’t pursue our happiness.

Here are a few indications that working with a life coach would be right for you:

  • You know what makes you unhappy, but you can’t be specific as to what would make you happy.
  • You frequently do things for others out of guilt or a sense of obligation.
  • You feel like your life is a cycle of “wash, rinse, repeat.”
  • You want to make a change and follow a dream but you feel you’re not smart enough, too old or don’t have enough money to do it.
  • People in your life don’t support you changing and in fact like you staying just the way you are.

If you’re not sure what a coach does, here’s some guidance:

A coach will:

  • Work with you to get clear on your goals.
  • Help you uncover mental blocks that are preventing you from reaching your goal.
  • Shift your mindset away from limiting beliefs and self-doubt.
  • Provide you with or collaborate with you on designing a step-by-step plan to achieving your goal.
  • Offer support and hold space for expressing fear and disappointment when you don’t feel you can accomplish your goal.
  • Hold you accountable and encourage you to succeed.
  • Celebrate your success!

Recently I was included in a round-up story on what qualities and training someone needs to be a great coach. You can read my answer here.

You can learn more about my coaching services and download my free guide Five Steps to Release Fear and Live Boldly here.

Your fears of life after divorce are all in your head. Here’s how to let them go.

Remember when you were a kid, and you were sure there was a monster under your bed or in your closet?

You lived in fear until your mom or dad came in and turned on the lights to show you nothing was there.

As adults those monsters still exist in our head, but it’s no longer a hairy, giant being but fear of failure or not being loved or financial ruin or illness.  And while these monsters might have an element of reality to them unlike the ones from your childhood, the solution to ending them is the same – you need to shine a light on them.

We sit at lunch with our friends and don’t admit we think we’re bad moms or we’re having serious financial problems or even that there’s abuse in our marriage.

The energy of these “omissions” is preventing us from living authentically and clearing away the issues that are keeping us trapped.

I’ve had my share of fears that I’ve kept hidden in my brain.  My divorce from my first husband was chaotic and traumatic.  It was so bad that I developed adult chicken pox. My body was literally expressing what I wasn’t verbalizing. I never talked about how scared and horrible I felt during this time. I was trying my best to keep it together for my kids, I was running my business and needed to be present for clients and I didn’t want to worry my parents.  But the fears would eat away at me at night:

How was I going to rebuild my life? 

Were my kids going to be OK? 

Was I ever going to find someone who loved me? 

After the divorce I was left financially devastated. We had tremendous debt and I was left responsible for most of it (that story is for another post.) I had no idea how I was going to fix this situation and the fears that played out in my head kept me awake most nights.  Once again, this was a situation I didn’t want to admit to anyone.  I live in a very affluent community where people seem to have an abundance of wealth.  No one talks about having financial problems.  They have expensive cars and homes, take yearly vacations, and spend without thinking.  I felt like a failure and most importantly I was worried about how I was going to dig myself out of the financial hole I was in.

I remember the spiraling fear that kept building in my head.  One thought would lead to another scary thought and then it would become a giant snowball gaining speed. The fear literally sounded like an avalanche coming down on me.

Throughout this time, I kept praying for guidance and peace. I wish I could tell you the moment that I finally decided to give up the pretense of being OK and suffering in silence, but I can’t. I just literally woke up one day and said “F%&k it, I’m not hiding it anymore.”  I decided to share everything I was feeling – all my fears and financial problems.

And that day I took back control of my life.

My fears and problems didn’t instantly disappear but there was almost immediately a lightness that came over me.  I didn’t realize how burdened down I felt keeping everything inside and hiding what was happening.

What was even more remarkable is that once I started sharing my fears and problems, friends started admitting they were having the same issues.  It took me opening up to give other women permission to do the same.  I no longer felt isolation or shame.

That was the energetic shift I needed to shine the light on the monsters in my head and take away their power.  Once that happens you can find the solutions.

Here are the first steps if you’re struggling with fears:

  • Start small -first write it down in a journal. Get out on paper your deepest fear or most troubling situation. Sit with that and re-read it.
  • Next share it with a close friend or with a coach.  Get past the fear of saying it the first time.
  • Start each day with this affirmation or one like it:

“My fear no longer controls me. I am creating a life of happiness and peace.

Fear lives in the future and you have no way of knowing whether your greatest concerns will ever materialize. Start shining a light and you’ll see the monsters aren’t real.

If you want some more tips on getting past fear you can grab my free guide 5 Steps to Release Fear and Live Boldly.

 

 

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My world crumbled. And then I rebuilt it better.

You never know the day your world is going to start crumbling.  You wake up, just like any other day, and start going about your business.

And then a moment happens. Maybe it’s a phone call, or a knock on the door or a news alert or the sound of brakes or a horn before the crash.

For me it all started with a phone call from my daycare one Tuesday morning. “There’s a problem with Connor.  He’s not breathing.”

Four hours later I would be holding my lifeless 4-month-old son in my arms, trying to comprehend that it would be the last time.  Trying to understand how a perfectly healthy little baby could die from something mysterious called Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

While I realized in that moment that my life would forever be changed, I didn’t realize how much:

  • One year later my second son would be born who would later be diagnosed with Intellectual and Development Disabilities.
  • Over the next seven years I would go on to have my two daughters after two devastating miscarriages.  At the same time my marriage was imploding.
  • Two years later I would end my marriage which had become toxic and left me a shell of my former self.
  • One year after that I would be forced to declare bankruptcy due to the insurmountable debt we had run up in our marriage that he walked away from.

And then, after meeting and marrying my incredible second husband, I would be faced with his devastating diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis and be thrust into the role of caregiver and sole provider.

It felt as if I was up against the ropes and the Universe just kept pummeling me. I didn’t have time to grieve or heal because I was too busy simply trying to survive and remain standing for my kids and my husband.  They needed me so I was on auto-pilot.

At some point, however, I realized I could no longer deny my pain. It was eating away at me physically, mentally, and spiritually. I had to allow myself to crumble and then take some time to understand who I wanted to be as I rebuilt myself. I had to unravel years of grief, pain, betrayal, shame, and imposter syndrome.

I needed to learn how to be at peace, to be courageous enough to be authentic as well as vulnerable enough to ask for support. That’s when I started doing everything I could to heal.  I started following personal development gurus such as Wayne Dyer, Abraham Hicks and Eckard Tolle. I literally devoured their books and podcasts and would post quotes from them all over my house. I began a daily practice of meditating and journaling.  Journaling was perhaps the most important thing I did.  It allowed me to release all the negative and limiting beliefs I had developed and express the grief I had over the death of my baby and the fear of my future.

I hired a life coach who helped me get past my limiting beliefs and recognize that I am a strong, confident, and capable woman who didn’t need to be “taken care of.” That was a big story I used to tell myself. I stopped comparing myself to other women and focused on my triumphs from advocating for my son and caring for my husband to growing my business and no longer being fearful about money.

I became more self-confident and OK with the fact that not everyone will like me as the new me. Drugs and alcohol weren’t my addictions – it was attaching myself to people who kept me down and weren’t supportive. I learned how to create boundaries to eliminate these toxic relationships. Actually, it took the Universe interceding and doing the work for me in ending a few of them.

I’m able to look back now and see how far I’ve come from the insecure, impressionable, naïve, and ultimately sad young woman I was. I want to hold her and give her the reassurances and comfort she never had during those crazy and scary times.

I’m still a work in progress especially when it comes to ending my people pleasing tendencies and imposter syndrome pops up every now and again. But through the work I’ve done on myself – retreats, immersing myself in personal development teachings, coaches and most importantly journaling, I’ve become a stronger, more confident woman.  My life is what I always dreamed it could be, peaceful, happy, and abundant.

I’m committed to helping other women get past fear and self-doubt and create the life of their dreams.  You can learn more about my coaching services here.

You can also get my free guide – 5 Steps to Create a Chill Life by clicking here.

 

Seven Steps to Becoming a Financially Confident Woman

There are a few things in life most people dread:

  • Public speaking
  • A root canal
  • The “we need to talk” speech

For many people another one that’s at the top of the list is thinking about and dealing with their finances.

In fact, almost 50% of Americans would rather endure a painful dentist visit than meet with a financial professional to discuss their money. And one in five Americans would rather spend an hour in jail than sit down and figure out a five-year financial plan!

Listen, we’re not little girls anymore.  We’re strong, confident women and we can take control of our money.

After my divorce my finances (what little there were) were a mess. I was BROKE trying to end my marriage and I just wanted to hide under the covers and ignore any difficult situation.

By not looking at what I was making and what I was spending I was doing metaphorically covering my ears, shutting my eyes and pretending that all was well.

But you know what?  It didn’t make the problem go away.  In fact, it just got messier.

I’d go out to dinner with girlfriends and order the cheapest item but then someone would suggest splitting the bill equally and my cheap app and water would end up costing $75 because I was embarrassed to ask for separate bills.

I’d go to the grocery store or buy clothes for the kids and pray my card didn’t get declined (of course it did more than once.)

One day I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered how in the hell I got here.

I grew up being very cautious with money (more on that another day) but when my ex-husband and the divorce screwed up my finances, I stopped being courageous and went into a denial mode.

At that moment I decided to stop being afraid. I decided that I was never again going to allow my finances to be tied to someone else.

I committed to being financially independent and in charge of my life and future.

Please hear this – every woman, regardless of her relationship status, must be financially independent.

Every day I work with clients who have relinquished control of their finances to their partner.  They’ve decided, or been convinced, that it’s one less thing to have to deal with.  Very quickly they’re getting an “allowance” for groceries, having to ask for extra money for something they want to buy or sneaking purchases onto a credit card.

Even if you think, “Alison, this isn’t my situation, our finances are in order and my husband never tells me what I can and can’t buy” life changes.  A serious illness, death, unanticipated layoffs, or the divorce you didn’t see coming.

This is why you must be financially independent! This doesn’t mean you need to cut financial ties with your partner if you’re in a healthy, happy relationship. But it does mean you need to have a complete understanding of your income, debt, assets, and budget.

Here are a few of the first steps to become financially confident:

  • Have the passwords and sign-ins for all your accounts – banking, investment, credit cards and bills. Be sure you know what bills are paid from which accounts.
  • Set up automatic bill pay for all of your bills so you don’t have to worry about them arriving late and getting charged a late fee.
  • Review your credit card and bank statements daily. Yes, I said daily! Make it a habit.  Before you check your e-mails sit down and check your accounts so you know what’s coming in and going out.  You can also check for erroneous fees and charges.
  • Sign up for Credit Karma (it’s free) creditkarma.com You’ll have free access to your credit scores (if you don’t know what it is you should!), check for mistakes on your credit reports plus free credit monitoring.
  • Set up an easy spreadsheet for all of your monthly bills and income plus groceries, meals out, gas, shopping and other miscellaneous expenses. Have a column for the date each bill is due and if need be, call the company and see if you can change the day of the month it’s due.
  • Have a “money date” once every week. Review any unexpected bills (or income) and factor it into your budget.  Look at your total spending for groceries, entertainment, restaurants and shopping so that you can gauge how your tracking for the rest of the month and modify if necessary.
  • If you don’t have a credit card in your own name get one! When you sign up for Credit Karma you can see which credit card might be right for you.

Most of all, congratulate yourself for taking small steps towards becoming the confident money queen you are becoming!

Want more help getting past self-doubt and fear to live life on your terms confidently and courageously?  Learn more about my coaching services for women in midlife.